Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
