So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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