Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
