I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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