im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
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