My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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