Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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