I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
