WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
