if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
