So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
