Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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