If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
