dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
