My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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