What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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