Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
