my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
