remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
