Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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