I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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