Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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