I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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