fuck your aforementioned shoe
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
