Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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