I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
