it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
