Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
