hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
