I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
