Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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