Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
