Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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