he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
