I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
