I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
