The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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