yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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