My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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