You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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