i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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