His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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