Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
