I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
