My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
