there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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