I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
