I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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