there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
