She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
