I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
