if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
