i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
