I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.