Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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