I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?