In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard