U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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