yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
