Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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